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 Things I am not allowed to do at hogwarts

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Aoife
Overlord and Mistress all of Word Order
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Gender : Female
Age : 27
Posts : 345
Location : In my own little world

PostSubject: Things I am not allowed to do at hogwarts   Thu Jan 03, 2008 7:16 am

Inspired by Annie's avatar I looked these up on the internet. The full list can be found at the url below, bt I took out the repeats and te slightly less funny ones for your general amusement. They are by various authors (not me).

http://atalantapendrag.livejournal.com/163152.html



6. I will not go to class skyclad.
8. I will not use Umbridge's quill to write "I told you I was hardcore".
10. Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. "Polishing my wand" in the common room is not.
13. Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defence Against Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept.
17. Seamus Finnegan is not "after me Lucky Charms".
24. I will not place anything by Silver Ravenwolf on the library shelves.
29. I do not weigh the same as a duck.
31. I do not have a Dalek Patronus.
33. I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.
35. Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazgul is coincidental.
36. I will not change the password to the prefects' bath to "Makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty".
40. I will not offer to pose nude for Colin Creevey.
41. I will not offer to pose nude for Dean Thomas.
44. I am not to Owl copies of the Evil Overlord List to suspected Death Eaters.
50. I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.
I will not draw an H on Percy Weasley's forehead.
Sirius Black did not found the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation.
Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab does not sell potions ingredients, and I will not resell their products as "Veela Pheremones".
Hogwarts does not have a student council. Even if it did, they would not wear the rose seal. Therefore I will cease going after the prefects with a sword.
I will not refer to the hippogriff as "Horseybird".
I will not "borrow" a prefects' badge for Peeves.
I am not the Defense Against the Boring Classes Professor.
-Nor am I the Care of Witches Underwear Professor.
-I am not a Professor, at all.
I will not replace Madam Pomfrey's Skele-Gro with pumpkin juice.
-I will not replace Professor Snape's pumpkin juice with Skele-Gro.
-It was not an honest mistake.
Crucifixes do not ward off Slytherins, and I should not test that.
I may not speak Latin in front of the books.
The proper way to report to Professor McGonagall is "You wanted to see me, Professor?" Not "I have it on good authority that you have no evidence."
Professor Snape does not enjoy being called "Snookums".
First years are not to be fed to Fluffy.
First-years should not be encouraged to befriend the Whomping Willow.
There is no "open-mike night" at Hogwarts.
I will not arrange for a DVD of "This Is Spinal Tap" and a drum kit to be sitting in the DADA Proessor's room on 1 September as a "Welcome To Hogwarts" Present.
Substituting Immac for Slixslelox in Draco Malfoy's shampoo container is a childish and irresponsible act.
I should not ask Professor McGonagall if, while in cat form, she has ever gone into heat.
The fact that Draco Malfoy is short, blond, pale-eyed and rat-faced is no reason for me to tell the Slytherins that Peter Pettigrew should be paying Narcissa child support.
When fighting Death Eaters in the annual June battle of Good v. Evil, I will not lift my wand skyward and shout, "There can be only ONE!"
I will not refer to any Death Eaters as "Trixie."
-Even if it is a legitimate nickname.
I am not to conjure the words "DRINK ME" onto the vial of any potion in Snape's classroom.
Should I chance to see a Death Eater wearing a white mask, I should not start singing anything from "Phantom of the Opera."
I will not say the phrase "Dude, get a life." to Lord Voldemort.
I will not put books of muggle fairy tales in the history section of the library.
There is not now, nor has there ever been, a fifth House at Hogwarts, and I am not a member of that house, nor am I its founder.
I am not allowed to ink my owl's feet, have it walk across a parchment, and sell the result as cheat sheets for Ancient Runes, even though Crabbe and Goyle keep falling for it.
I will not refer to the Accio charm as "The Force".
I will no longer wear a hood, walk up to Harry, and claim to be his real father.
Albus Dumbledore's proper title is "Headmaster", not "My Liege".
Sending rings to the nine senior faculty at Yuletide, with the return address "Voldemort", is not funny.
Professor McGonagall does not have an inappropriate relationship with Mrs. Norris.
I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I prophesied her death.
I will also not tell Professor Trelawney that I had a vision of her killing the Dark Lord.
I am to stop asking Professor Snape to Yule Ball.
Calling the Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play on the resident ghosts and poltergeists.
I am not allowed out of my dorm when visitors from the Ministry are here.
I am not allowed to do that thing with the lollipop within Professor Snape's sight ever again.
I will never again use the spell used to enchant bludgers on peas.
-Or tomatoes, plums, oranges, or any other food item. Or any other item that is not a Bludger.
I am not allowed to lock Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy in a closet to see if hot gay sex will occur.
-I am not allowed to lock anyone in a closet to see if any kind of sex will occur.
I may not have a private army.
-Not even if it technically belongs to someone else.
I am not the wicked witch of the west.
-I will not refer to Professor Umbridge as such either.
I will not melt if water is poured over me.
-Neither will Professor Umbridge.
He who should not be named is not the artist formerly known as Prince and I will not tell first years such.
I am not the eggman.
-Nor am I the walrus.
If the new DADA teacher gives his name as "Dr. John Smith" or simply "The Doctor", I will prepare for the worst including but not limited to alien invasion, time travel and a possible apocalypse.
Lucius Malfoy is not my "sugar daddy" and I will not claim he is.
"To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice.
I must not refer to Headmaster Dumbledore as "Mum".
I am not allowed to prophesy the end of the world more than once.
I will not offer to sell Hagrid new creatures.
-Especially not if I actually have them.
I will not try to recreate the Whomping Willow in herbology class.
If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
I may not challenge prefects to “Meet me on the Quidditch field, at dawn”.
I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born, even if I have access to a time turner.
I will not claim my X-Files tapes are "Auror Training Videos."
The Muggle known as George W. Bush is not related to or working for Lord Voldemort in any way, and I am to stop insinuating that he is.
I am not to sing 'We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz!' when sent to the Headmaster's office'.
- I am definitely not to sing it accompanied by the house elves acting as a backing group.
-Especially not with kazoos.'
Not enough room to swing a cat in here' is a Muggle saying, not a testable hypothesis.
- Especially not with Mrs. Norris.
- Not with Professor McGonnagall either.
I am not to hold my wand in the air before casting spells and shout 'I... HAVE... THE... POWER!!!'
I am not a Vampire Slayer and Professor Lupin is not my Watcher.
-I am not to attempt to stake Professor Snape.
When Death Eaters are attacking Hogsmeade, I shall not point at the Dark Mark and shout 'To the Batmobile, Robin!'
- Or 'Thunder, Thunder, Thunder, THUNDERCATS, HO!!!'
I will not try to convert my housemates to Christianity.
-Or Wicca.
-This does not mean that my religious rights are being violated.
There are spoons.
-I will not destroy, transfigure, disappear or rename the cutlery so that there are no spoons.
Albus Dumbledore is not my personal Jesus.
-Neither is Professor Snape.
I am not authorized to negotiate a peace treaty with Voldemort.
I am not the reincarnation of Merlin.
Seamus Finnegan does not have a pot of gold under his bed.
-Or under his robe.
I am not allowed to organize a witch burning, even if I have been assigned to do a presentation on Muggle history in my Muggle Studies class.
"All's fair in love and war" is not an official rule of Hogwarts.
I will not attempt to confuse Crabbe and Goyle by calling them by each other's names.
I will not attempt to make Professor's Trelawney's predictions come true.
Professor Snape's problem is not that "he needs to get laid".
Even if I myself to do not believe in it, I will respect that the school observes daylight savings time.
Shouting random Latin phrases while waving my wand is not acceptable charms research.
Regardless of how much Professor Snape's hair might annoy me, it is innapropriate to sneak into his room at night and shave it off.
-Likewise, it is unkind to make the aforementioned hair into a wig and wear it to potions class.
-Nobody cares that it makes me feel "pretty".
I will not claim there is a prequel to Hogwarts, A History that explains about Bilbo Baggins.
I will stop insisting that witchcraft is just a metaphor for lesbian sex.
I will not use the Marauder's Map for stalking purposes.
I will not go into Dumbledore's pensieve looking for graphic faculty smut.
I will not, under any circumstances, ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss.
I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paintballing.
The Restricted Section is not where they keep the books on bondage.
I am not allowed to leave the catnip out in Professor McGonagall's class.
I am not allowed to say "Bless you" every time someone mentions Quidditch.
I vill not speak to Professor Snape with a Transylvanian accent.
I will not cast the occasional Oblivate spell on Dumbledore. Even if it would be amusing.
I will not start a rumor saying that Professor Snape sings "I'm too sexy for my robes" to Right Said Fred's I'm too sexy for my shirt, while showering.
Enchanting the Sorting Hat to sort new students into the House of Martok, or any other Klingon house is forbidden.
Professor Moriarty does not teach at Hogwarts.
I will not refer to Dumbledore as Methuselah.
I am not to "walk on water" in front of muggles.
I will not compel Seamus Finnegan to pursue people asking them for their Lucky Charms.
I am not to tell Sir Cadogan that the Knights of Ni have challenged him to a duel and then have my friends/other people to call Ni from various directions.
Draco Malfoy is not a vampire.
-Especially not a vampire named 'Spike'.
I will stop asking Hannah Abbot if her milkshake brings boys to the yard.
When called upon in class, I shall not insist that the correct answer to everything is '42'.
I will not create a betting pool on that Voldemort is Harry Potter's father.
Asking Professor Snape if a house ever fell on his sister is wrong.
-So is asking him where he keeps his flying monkeys and if I could touch them.
I am not allowed to train my frog to attack prefects and/or professors.
Professor Snape's proper given name is not Princess Silvermoon Fairywing GlimmerMcSparkles.
Robes are not optional.
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Aoife
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PostSubject: Re: Things I am not allowed to do at hogwarts   Thu Jan 03, 2008 7:17 am

Announcing "Remember: Save a broomstick! Ride a wizard!" is not an appropriate way to conclude Quidditch match commentary.
There is no such thing as the "Hufflepuff Marshmallow Man".
-Even if I do conjure him up.
Telling Lucius what he could do with his staff... is not advisable.
-Less advisable if it involves anything sexual with Snape.
-Unless, you know... you bring me back pictures.
I will not ask the school to sponsor a breakdancing crew.
-I will not get my nonexistent breakdance crew to "battle" Durmstrang.
Coming up behind Harry while he and Draco are glowering at each other and saying "Oh, go on and kiss him already!" is not funny.
Shouting "izzy wizzy let's get busy" in charms class is not funny.
-Neither is shouting Abracadabra, as it is very likely to be misheard.
I will not bring the Alethiometer to Divination class.
I will not tell the Ravenclaws that they're basically useless because Hogwart's smartest student is in another house.
I will not call Pizza Hut and ask them to deliver to the common room.
I will never ask Professor McGonagall if she can fly with an umbrella with a parrot on the end.
Professor Snape does not get "that time of the month" and I should stop telling everybody that he does.
I will not try to explain the laws of physics, not even for the sake of arguement.
Offering to spike Cho Chang's punch at the Winter Ball in return for a cut of Harry Potter's fortune is frowned on.
I will not tell first-years that the Cave of Nimue is thought to be somewhere in the Forbidden Forest and that there is a reward for finding it.
I will not stack Professor Trelawny's tarot deck so that the first five cards are The Devil, The Tower, The Hanged Man, Judgement and Death.
-I will not play poker or bridge with Professor Trelawny's tarot deck.
-I will not replace Professor Trelawny's tarot deck with the Thoth deck.
-Or a deck of pornographic playing cards.
-Or a pack of MTG trading cards
"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" is not a part of the DADA syllabus.
-Neither is "Bram Stoker's Dracula".
Citizens of the United States are known as "Americans" not "Those Idiots Who Don't Know How to play Qudditch correctly".
I will not give Hagrid Pokémon cards and convince him that they are real animals
-likewise, I will not tell First Year Muggle-borns that Pokémon battles are a part of the Care of Magical Creatures curriculum
I am not qualified to perform exorcisms on Hogwarts ghosts, and attempting to do so will merely offend them.
Telling Draco Malfoy to "make like a ferret and bounce" is always a bad idea.
The Crucible is not summer reading for History of Magic, and I should not tell First Years that it is.
I should not re-shelve Hogwarts: A History under 'Fiction'.
-especially if it is to make Hermione Granger have panic attacks.
"You might be a Pureblood if..." jokes will get me in trouble, especially in front of Slytherins.
I am not authorized to form an elite squad of prefects with authority over professors.
The bludger is not a bowling ball, and Professor Snape is not a bowling pin. I will not attempt to prove otherwise.
Regardless of the beautiful irony, I will not hang a tempting piñata from the Whomping Willow.
I will not attempt to get away with anything Harry Potter and company gets away with. They're special.
If I insist on carrying out my plans of producing "Riddle-de-dee: The Voldemort Musical", I will do so under a nom-de-plume.
- I will not attempt to recruit the title character to play himself. Even if he looks good in tap shoes.
Even though Professor Lupin does get "that time of the month", it is inappropriate to point it out.
Harry Potter, Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger do not have "The Power of Three."
The Slytherin prefect is named Draco Malfoy, not "Rocky Horror."
-Transfiguring Draco Malfoy's uniform into a gold thong is inappropriate.
-Especially if he's wearing it.
Ron Weasley will not appreciate being called "Samwise Gamgee".
I will not attempt to determine whether Malfoy is a natural blond.
Headmaster Dumbledore has nothing to do with MI5.
I shouldn't sing that Monty Python song about penises in front of Percy Weasley.
-I shouldn't sing it in front of Fred or George Weasley either, but for different reasons.
I will not tell fellow students that they "remind me of my broom".
I will not convince three of the school ghosts to annoy Professor Snape on Christmas Eve.
I am not allowed to spank others.
-Even if Malfoy liked it.
The Gryffindor students are not Starfleet security personnel.
I will not teach the house elves to impersonate Jar Jar Binks.
The band at the Yule Ball does not know how to play "Freebird," and shouting at them will not change that.
- The same applies to "Stairway to Heaven."
Telling Luna Lovegood that Buffy the Vampire Slayer is a documentary is an unkind thing to do.
I am not allowed to skywrite "Surrender Dorothy" during Quidditch games.
I will not get the stands to chant "Badger, badger, badger..." during a Slytherin-Hufflepuff quidditch match.
I will not skinny dip.
Professor Snape is not the Metatron.
- Nor is he a Muggle terrorist hiding from Bruce Willis.
- Nor is Dobby actually Gollum, and I should stop trying to get The One Ring from him.
I am not to tell the first years that Muggles worship Cthulhu.
- Nor that the Giant Squid is Cthulhu's love child.
Professor McGonagall is not a hamster, and Professor Dumbledore does not smell of elderberries.
The Easter Bunny is not Jesus' Animagus form.
I am not allowed to ask Pureblood students things like, "If your parents got divorced, would they still be brother and sister?"
Voldemort does not need Botox.
I am not allowed to discuss my theory that Voldemort is actually the second cousin of Sauron.
I will not paint the Mirror of Erised black in order to use it as a scrying tool.
I will not insist that Voldemort's castle is actually a large house between two hills in a country I found in the wardrobe.
I will not reset Hermione's Time Turner to Daylight Savings Time.
I will not ask if Dobby's father is named Elrond.
- Nor will I ask if Professor Flitwick had an uncle named Bilbo or a cousin named Frodo.
I will not write forged letters home to the parents of Muggleborn first years detailing the Satanic rituals they are learning.
I will not tell Muggleborn first years that it's all right to use a graphing calculator in Arithmancy class.
I will not tell first years that Moon Prism Power is a basic Transfiguration spell.
- Moon Tiara Magic is not a proper spell, either.
I will remember that Voldemort is not half Ferengi.
- Or half Romulan.
I will not check Professor McGonagall's blood for copper content, nor the tips of her ears for points.
I will not ask Dobby why he doesn't look more like Orlando Bloom.
- Nor will I ask him if he works for Santa Claus in the off-season.
It is not permissible to swing Professor Flitwick around by his feet and throw him out of the garden.
Hermione's name is not Willow, and I will therefore refrain from coercing her and Ginny Weasley to perform any spells that require the participants to hold hands. Should circumstances require this to take place anyway, I will try my best not to giggle.
During Divinations classes, I will refrain if at all possible from speaking in tongues.
I will not challenge Umbridge to a tap-dancing contest. Neither will I ask her if she knows the Hedgehog Song.
-If she does not, I will refrain from singing it to her.
If Lupin requests something of me, it is considered very rude to refuse by replying, "Not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin!"
I will not set up a blind date between Dumbledore and that Nimue chick.
I will promise to stop intoning, "Believe it . . . or not!" after Dumbledore's speeches.
The Necronomicon Ex Mortuus is not the wizardly version of the Kama Sutra.
No spitting in the Pensieve.
Bringing fortune cookies to Diviniation class does not count for extra credit.
I will not address Hagrid as "Groundskeeper Willie".
I will not teach the veela the lyrics to "Oops, I Did It Again" even if they ask nicely.
Harry, Hermione and Ron do not 'get it on' in the Room of Requirement and I should stop telling everyone that they do.
-Even if they actually are.
I will not tell first years that Hagrid will eat them if they get too close to his hut.
Breaking into song during Potions class is not acceptable.
-Especially if the song is 'I feel pretty, oh so pretty'.
I am not a 'ninja sent here by Lord Voldemort to destroy Harry Potter' and should stop shouting this at meal times.
My name is not "The Dark Lord Happy-Pants" and I am not allowed to sign my papers as such.
I will not "forget" to wear a bra in Mad-Eye Moody's class.
I will not say sympathetically to Professor Snape, "Brain the size of a planet...and they ask you to teach Potions class."
Slash from Guns 'N' Roses is not a Parseltongue, no matter how many snakes he has.
Jimmy Page isn't really a wizard, even if his guitar licks "couldn't possibly be done by a Muggle."
I will not serenade guests from Durmstrang with Led Zeppelin's "Immigrant Song."
The Wyrd Sisters are not emo.
Emoticons are not Runes.
Real wizards laugh at Gerald Gardner. I will not attempt to invoke his authority on anything.
I cannot get credit in Ancient Runes for knowing BASIC, no matter how long it's been in use.
The ducks are not my minions, no matter how much bread I feed them.
Same goes for the squirrels.
Ruby slippers do nothing unless specifically enchanted.
I am not to reference the 'Dungeon Master Guide' in essay or research project.
- Nor any other D&D book.
- No, not even the Monster Manual.
I was not "Born to rune".
I will not tell the Fat Lady to go on Weight Watchers.
I will never ask Harry if his 'scar senses are tingling'.
Every time I see a dementor, I will not go, "Ssssssssshire...Bagginsssss".
- or "The Shire/Frodo is That Way!"
- Every time I see Dobby I will not say something about 'master' or 'Precioussssss'.
- Every time I see Dumbledore, I will not say, "You will not pass!"
I will not do impersonations during dueling club sessions involving the following lines:
-Hello, my name is Harry Potter. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
-I am Harry James Potter, founder of Dumbledore's Army, heir to the founder of Gryffindor House, and student of the one true headmaster, Albus Dumbledore. son to a murdered father. Godson to a murdered convict. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next.
-Help me, Harry-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope.
No matter how often you comment that 'it's just a jump to the left', the rest of your class will not suddenly sing 'and then a step to the right...'.
Despite rumors to the contrary, upon fulfilling the prophecy, Harry Potter does not plan to go to Disneyworld.
I must never sneak up behind Draco Malfoy and coo "How's my Blondie-Bear?"
-Even if the Weasley twins asked me to do it.
-Even if Draco asked me to do it.
I must never sing "Bad Moon Rising" around Professor Lupin.
-Or "Moondance".
-And definitely not "Werewolves of London".
Showing students photos of Snape in a Speedo is cruel, especially right before lessons on confronting a boggart.
The boggart's first name is not Humphrey.
I will not scare the First Years with wild tales of an omnicient Author who controls our destinies.
The Giant Squid is not going to give Harry Potter Excalibur.
The Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers are not affiliated with the Ministry of Magic.
Avalon is not on the other side of the lake.
Even if I should manage the spell to animate my luggage, I am not allowed to feed Mrs. Norris to it. Or any of the first year students.
I am not allowed to purchase the souls of first years.
-especially when it is hidden in the fine print of a petition to allow first years to go to Hogsmeade.
Mustn't prove that 2+2=5 for sufficiently large values of 2 in Arithmancy, as it gives Granger a headache.
Legilimency and strip poker do not mix (only when you get caught).
My conversations with Hagrid are never to include the phrase "Hey Hagrid, wouldn't it be cool if you crossbred a ... with a ..."
Not allowed to play poker with Tarot cards anymore, last time I did, I got a royal flush and the Dark lord returned.
Harry Potter does not use a corked Quidditch broom. (http://espn.go.com/page2/s/caple/030620.html)
I will not rewrite the entire history of Alchemy by referring to the Philosopher's Stone as the "Sorceror's Stone."
I cannot charm the suits of armor to do a rendition of "Knights of the Round Table" for the Christmas feast.
-I cannot charm the suits of armor to skip with me around the castle, clacking coconut halves together.
I may not sell Umbridge's quill to emo students.
I am not allowed to flood the Chamber of Secrets, install an organ, wear half a mask and sing Andrew Lloyd Webber.
"Bibbidi Bobbidi Boo" is not a transfiguration spell.
There is no wizard porn in the Restricted Section.
-I am not allowed to put wizard porn in the Restricted Section.
I will not add 'according to the prophecy' at the end of my sentences to raise my Divination grade.
I may not play matchmaker in exchange for voices.
-This includes the mermaids.
Thestrals do not like McDonalds.
I am not allowed to bother Snape.
-Dumbledore does not have 'naked time'.
I am not allowed to make lightsaber sounds with my wand.
I am not allowed to teach the giant venus-fly trap in Herbology anything from Little Shop of Horrors.
Moody will not say "DRINK!", "ARSE!", "FECK!", "GIRLS!" or "THAT WOULD BE AN ECUMENICAL MATTER!" no matter how many times I ask.
I am not allowed to teach "I Feel Pretty" to Professor Lockhart.
-I am not allowed to hex him into silence when I have learned the error of my ways.
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Aoife
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Gender : Female
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Posts : 345
Location : In my own little world

PostSubject: Re: Things I am not allowed to do at hogwarts   Thu Jan 03, 2008 7:18 am


I am not allowed to nominate Margaret Thatcher, David Beckham, Jordan, Jade Goody, Naomi Campbell, Anne Robinson, Bernard Manning, Peter Stringfellow, or Gary Glitter to the Ministry's Official List of Dark Creatures.
I am not allowed to teach the haka to my house's Quidditch team.
I am not encouraged to refer to Bellatrix Lestrange as Maleficent.
Every Muggle-born before me has quoted Macbeth in Potions class. It was never funny.
I am not allowed to quote Sweeney Todd or Titus Andronicus when there are meat pies for supper.
I am not allowed to charm the mounted moose heads to say "Schweppes!" over and over.
I am not allowed to 'fro' Ron's hair and refer to him as Sideshow Bob.
Getting everyone in the Great Hall to do "The Time Warp" does not mean it will earn me house points.
Turning all the first-years into insomniacs with "Can't sleep. Clowns will eat me." is not funny.
Ron Weasley has big feet because he is tall. I am not allowed to assume anything anymore.
If a classmate is jingling the change in his pockets, I will not laugh at him for "playing with his Knuts".
Despite the fact that it takes place in a dungeon, I may not safeword out of Potions class.
I am not allowed to spike Professor Snape's Coffee.
I am not allowed to feed first years to the Giant Squid.
Putting Fake spiders around Ron Weasley's bed is not funny.
-Especially when he tries to jump out the window.
I am not allowed to tell the firsties that Filch eats little children.
-Nor am I to plant incriminating evidence in his office.
'Ding Dong, the Witch is Dead' is not appropriate at a funeral.
I am not to wear my DEATH EATER AND PROUD OF IT! shirt to school.
I am not allowed to insinuate things about Ron Weasley by changing the lyrics to "Weasley is our Queen."
I am not allowed to dress exactly like Snape and ask him to call me "mini me."
I am not allowed to redecorate the Gryffindor common room in shades of green and silver.
Not allowed to declare Official Hug A Slytherin Day.
I am not allowed to use the Room of Requirement to host meetings of the Harry Potter fanclub.
I am not allowed to ask Ginny Weasley for chicken killing tips.
Upon gaining prefect status, I am not to use my new powers to get any of the following: somebody to do my homework for me, sexual favors (giving and/or receiving), added titles to my name (Princess, Goddess, Her Highness, Dark Lordess, etc.), human shields, and/or somebody else's power of attorney.
I must resist the urge to use Human Transfiguration for evil. I really, really must.
Sirius Black is not 24601.
I am not to Polyjuice myself into John DeLancie and Apparate into a Star Trek convention.
Under no circumstances am I to attempt to create a Holy Hand Grenade.
I am not allowed to edit the Sirius Black Wanted posters to read "Sirius Black, Wanted for XXX Action: ASAP, Prefects Bathroom."
-Especially if signed "XOXO, Sevvie."
I am not Xena: Warrior Princess and I shall not use war cries to signal my entrance into any classroom.
Professor Sprout is not a Gardnerian.
The Matrix does not have Professor McGonagall.
- It doesn't have any of the faculty.
- Nor the students.
I will not try and start 'Naked Thursdays' in the Common Room.
I am not allowed to wear all my housemates robes at the same time.
- Especially not if I insist on going commando.
I do not own any items that confer Immunity:Death Magic.
- Not even if I stole it off Harry Potter.
- I do not own an Immunity:Detention item either.
I am not a Pinball Wizard.
It is not necessary for me to yell "BAMF!" every time I Apparate.
Replying every question that Professor Lupin asks with, "Are you fucking Sirius?" is not funny, not even the first time.
- Except when he answers, "Yes" before catching on.
Coming to class and seeing the same Professors everytime does not entitle you to shout, "There is a blip in the Matrix."
- Nor should you say "Deja-vu" at any time.
- Nor offer the choice of two pills to any students.
Speaking like Yoda, does not a happy Professor make.
- Funny, it is not.
Saying "Aren't you a little short for a Professor?" to Flitwick is generally not a good idea.
- I will try hard not to snigger at Flitwick's imagined response, "Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"
No matter how abnormal his profits are, Bill Gates is only a financial wizard.
-Although he is odd enough.
-And the presence of a Chart Wizard on Microsoft Excel is entirely coincidental.
When surrounded by Deatheaters I will not brandish my wand like a sword and shout 'Aye! Avast!'.
Proclaiming 'Come on Mr.Frodo. I cannot carry it for you, but I can carry you!' and slinging a fellow student over my shoulder is not something I should do.
It's Voldemort. Not Voldy, Moldyvort, Old Moldy Voldywart, Baldyvort, Fuglymort, He-Who-Is-Horrificly-Maimed, He-Who-Can-Not-Be-Tamed, Fernaando the Daaahk One, Rehab John or GwumpyWumpy McSnakelypants.
Despite the fact that it almost drives me insane when I resist, I must not shout 'YUGIOH!' in class.
-Or ever.
Professor Snape is always pissy. It is not my civic duty to cheer him up.
I will not try to convince non-Muggleborn students that Monty Python was some random Parselmouth.
Gryffindor's sword is not to be used to patrol the hallways.
I will stop sending Professor Sprout love notes signed "N.L".
Hearing the word "it" does not cause me any pain.
I will stop telling firsties that they will have good luck if they kiss the Whomping Willow.
I will not tickle a sleeping dragon "just to see what happens."
Professor Lupin is not addicted to chocolate and I will stop implying that he is.
-I will also cancel the intervention.
I will not switch Umbridge's special quill with her normal ones.
-It was not an honest mistake.
I am not allowed to teach any of the house pictures to use passwords involving lewd situations between Harry and Malfoy in order to allow the students to get in.
Murmuring “I see dead people… ” every time I see one of the ghosts is stupid and was never funny.
I am not allowed to sing “Can you feel the love tonight?” whenever Harry and Malfoy argue.
No one likes my “universal hug spell” and I should stop pretending that they do by casting it on everyone.
- I should also not claim that it would bring about world peace if everyone would just accept it.
Yelling “to infinity, and BEYOND!” was only funny the first time I took off on my broom.
I am not allowed to sing my “own personal spy music” when I wander around the hallways.
I am not allowed to require all first years to refer to me as “the most high and honorable master of the universe” and bang a gong whenever I enter a room.
Whenever someone casts a spell, it is not appropriate to turn to them and scream that they are the “TOOL OF SATAN!” and that they should “CEASE IN PRACTISING SUCH DEMONRY!”.
If I become an animagus, I am not allowed to yell “MORPHIN’ TIME!” every time I change.
I am not allowed to scream “SCAR!!!” while pointing at Harry’s forehead before diving under the closest available object anymore.
There are no house cheerleaders and I am not one of them.
- I am not allowed to pretend I am one by cheering inappropriately.
- even during Wizard’s chess.
Despite the fact that there's probably a good market for them, I am not allowed to try to sell Harry, Ron, or Hermione on eBay.
I should stop anonymously sending Hermione bottles of Sleekeazy's.
I am not allowed to begin each Herbology class by singing the theme song to "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes."
I am not allowed to use the Marauder's Map while playing Hide-and-Seek in the corridors, because that is cheating.
-Actually, I'm not allowed to play Hide-and-Seek in the corridors.
-Or in the classrooms.
-Or in the Prefect's bathroom.
-Or in Dumbledore's office.
-I am not allowed to play Hide-and-Seek at all.
I will not tell students the new DADA teacher is any of the following;
-John Constantine (the proper one, not the one who looks like Neo)
-Neo
-Yoda
-Zatanna
-Ash
-Rupert Giles
-Willow Rosenberg
-Wesley Windham-Price
-Fox Mulder
-Elric of Melnibone
-Silent Bob
-A superannuated Elvis Presley
-Derek Acorah
...even if any of them would do a better job than previous encumbents.
-Except Acorah.
Dying Snape's hair pink in his sleep is considered harrasment.
No one cares that I think can hold my breath longer than Kurt Cobain.
Slipknot are a kickass band. However, recording them onto a Howler and sending them to head table, is not kickass.
No matter how much I ask, they aren't going to have Bleeding Through playing at the Yule Ball.
I am not allowed near the house-elves, after the incident with Dobby and the blue paint.
I must not try to work out the Galleon/pound sterling exchange rate by relying on the price of Quidditch Through the Ages.
I must not write gratuitous crossovers between Hogwarts and every other fictional universe that might be vaguely familiar to Harry Potter readers.
Under no circumstances am I to refer to Professor Snape as a "bloodsucking, day-sleeping, turtle-hating, creepy-crawling, no-toilet-paper-buying, inconsiderate bitch".
-even if I heard Professor Lupin address him as such.
Crucio" is not a good safeword.
Magic Mouth is not a real spell, and even if it were it does not do what I think it does.
Yes, the Great Hall is extremely large, but Quidditch is an outside sport.
I am not Harry Potter's long-lost sibling.
I am not the King of the Potato People, and I do not have a magic carpet.
Pornographic films are not an accurate representation of muggle life and it is wrong to tell purebloods they are.
It was wrong to tell Harry Potter, that Voldemort can only be defeated by the "Godwin" spell.
If by some chance I become a penguin animagus, I may not follow people around saying, "Slide!"
"I was dead at the time!" is not an acceptable excuse.
-No, it did not work for Peter Pettigrew.
Adding "-us" to the end of a word does not make it a spell.
-Neither does adding "izzle".
It is not necessary to label my History of Magic essay for spoilers.
I will not burst out laughing whenever Harry, Ron, and/or Hermione start talking about their troll experience and exclaim, “You think THAT was bad? You should’ve seen the troll in Moria…”
I will stop sneaking out at night to look for Ents in the Forbidden Forest.
I will not ask Harry Potter for an autograph.
I cannot be a Pokemon animagus.
I am not to ask Aragog how things with the wife are.
Dobby is NOT an albino orc.
Asking Harry how his parents are doing is just cruel.
I will stop asking the house elves to teach me Elvish.
I will stop trying to make up spells in Elvish.
I must stop playing with Fluffy.
- Especially if it’s fetch.
- And he’s fetching first years.
As much as I wish it, there are absolutely no connections between the wizarding world and LOTR *cries*
- Which means that Aragorn shall not be the next DADA teacher… dang it.
I may not tell first years that Snape is the voice of God.
I may not threaten to hit Snape with a fish.
I may not hand out Smarties as contraceptives.
I may not shout "beam me up Scotty" before disapparating.
I will not scream “DON’T SPANK ME!” in potions class whenever Snape comes up behind me.
-Will also not scream “THIS ISN’T CATHOLIC SCHOOL!”
Pouring water on Crookshanks is funny… but cruel. And Hermione knows too many spells.
I will refrain from calling the Weasley twins “Merry and Pippin”.
-I will also refrain from calling Harry and Ron “Frodo and Sam”.
-It probably isn’t smart to call Draco “Legolas” either.
I will not tell Crabbe and Goyle that if you say 'banana' fast enough, it sounds like 'gullible'.
I will not say that Harry and Ginny are history repeating itself.
I will not ask Hermione if she is going Back to the Future.
I will not charm a potato to waltz up and down an aisle with me
-Especially not if it is a produce aisle.
-I will not charm a tomato to talk.
I am not to teach the first years how to fly on a broom.
-Should I ignore the above step, I am not to teach them by handing them a broom and throwing them off the Astronomy Tower.
I will not charm the doors to gong every time Cho Chang walks into a room. This is insensitive and racist.
-No matter how much she likes the attention.
No one knows where the Cheetos are.
I will not scare the Arithmancy students with my Calculus book.
I will not ask the Arithmancy students to calculate i.
- I will not send the results to MIT's math department.
- The same with pi and e.

Basically....
If I think it is a good idea, I am not allowed to do it.



(sorry about all the pop-culture references that are so obscure no-one gets them...)



Alright people, time to add our own...(please)
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Logmadr
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PostSubject: Re: Things I am not allowed to do at hogwarts   Thu Jan 03, 2008 7:45 am

Lizzie, at first I thought this was spam and was going to delete it, but once I realised these are ALL absolutely hilarious I decided against it...i am sorry for doubting your humour: these made me laugh so hard I eanrly died!!!! lol!!!

Loggy
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Dorian
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PostSubject: Re: Things I am not allowed to do at hogwarts   Thu Jan 03, 2008 8:44 am

Although I understood most of the refernces, here's one I thought of...

I will not get candles and incense and make a pentagram to summon demons,
-If I do summon a demon I will not keep it as a pet,
-I also will not sell it to Hagrid, even if he thinks it's cute.
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PostSubject: Re: Things I am not allowed to do at hogwarts   Thu Jan 03, 2008 9:06 am

Priceless, Dorian, well done!! lol
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PostSubject: Re: Things I am not allowed to do at hogwarts   Thu Jan 03, 2008 9:18 am

Argh I can never read all that!......or can i?
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PostSubject: Re: Things I am not allowed to do at hogwarts   Thu Jan 03, 2008 2:28 pm

ARgh I finished I finished! *dies* x
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PostSubject: Re: Things I am not allowed to do at hogwarts   Thu Jan 03, 2008 3:46 pm

Aoife - thank you so much for this ... I really needed a good laugh and these were priceless!!!! Laughing Laughing Laughing

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PostSubject: Re: Things I am not allowed to do at hogwarts   Thu Jan 03, 2008 5:59 pm

Okay, here's a few of mine.

I am not allowed to attempt to use any quill still attached to a bird.
I am not authorised to expell other students.
- Nor fire any members of staff
- It is a bad idea to begin testing this theory with Snape
I am not allowed to voice the opinion that the methods and predictions of Mystic Meg are not more valid than those of Trelawnley.
- When contradicted I may not argue the point.
- Even if I'm right.
I may not 'accidently' use the sonorus charm througout the whole castle at three in the morning upon myself singing in the shower.
- I may definately not do so upon Percy Weasley singing in the shower.
- If I choose to ignore this I must have the counter charm written down at hand so that I cannot possibley forget it.
- I did not forget how to read.
In the final june showdown I may not yell BOO! at the crucial tense suspense building moment, just as two enemies are glaring and sizing each other up.
It was not my imaginary firends fault
I may not confuse Crabb, Goyle, or any other pure blood by handing them a can openner and a tin of baked beans.
- If the pure blood happens to be a Slytherin, it is unwise to point out that "the stupidest of muggles could do it"
Muggles are not an ulternative source of protein.
- I am not allowed to tell first years the house elves who do the cooking consider them to be so.
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PostSubject: Re: Things I am not allowed to do at hogwarts   Fri Jan 04, 2008 5:09 am

Hehe where they really yours? they were good, quite amusing Razz x
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PostSubject: Re: Things I am not allowed to do at hogwarts   Fri Jan 04, 2008 10:14 am

It is not funny to transform Draco's robes into a nazi uniform
-Especially if he becomes an anti mudblood nazi

Michael Jackson is not Voldemort's muggle disguise
-Voldemort is not a pedophile
-Voldemort is not a necrophilica
-Voldemort is NOT sleeping with Dumbledore, dead or alive
-Dumbledore is gay though
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